Noise Has Filed a Formal Complaint
To whom it may concern (which is, regrettably, everyone):
Noise would like to register a grievance.
Noise, it seems, is tired.
Not of being blamed — Noise is accustomed to that.
Not of being misunderstood — that is practically its job description.
No, Noise is tired of being expected to do everything.
According to the complaint, Noise is currently responsible for:
- disrupting attention
- destabilizing cognition
- obscuring meaning
- amplifying nonsense
- generating confusion
- eroding discourse
- and, in one particularly bold accusation, “ruining brunch”
Noise would like to clarify that it never applied for this position.
It simply appeared, as most important things do:
uninvited, unregulated, and immediately blamed for the consequences of human behavior.
Section 1: Noise Rejects Its Job Title
Noise would like it known that it is not:
- a villain
- a saboteur
- a conspiracy
- a coordinated attack
- or, as one citizen described it, “a psychic raccoon rummaging through my thoughts”
Noise is, in its own words, “just trying to exist.”
It did not ask to be the universal scapegoat for every cognitive inconvenience.
It did not request to be the explanation for why people can no longer finish a paragraph.
It did not volunteer to be the reason no one remembers birthdays anymore.
Noise would like to remind the public that forgetting birthdays predates the digital era.
Section 2: Noise Demands Reasonable Working Conditions
Noise claims it is currently being forced to operate under “untenable conditions,” including:
- unprecedented signal density
- unregulated content emissions
- chronic overstimulation
- and a global population that refuses to close any tabs, ever
Noise insists that it cannot be expected to maintain structural integrity when humans are generating more information per hour than medieval Europe produced in a century.
Noise would like a lunch break.
Noise would like weekends.
Noise would like humanity to stop inventing new platforms faster than it can destabilize them.
Section 3: Noise Requests Clear Boundaries
Noise proposes the following boundaries:
- Humans must stop calling everything Noise.
Some of it is simply bad decisions. - Noise will no longer take responsibility for “vibes.”
That is a separate department. - Noise refuses to be blamed for political discourse.
That was broken long before Noise arrived. - Noise will not be held accountable for the comments section.
No one should be.
Section 4: Noise Offers a Modest Proposal
Noise suggests a new arrangement:
- Humans generate less confusion.
- Systems produce fewer contradictory signals.
- Platforms stop optimizing for chaos.
- And in exchange, Noise will agree to remain at manageable levels.
Noise emphasizes that this is a compromise, not a surrender.
If these terms are not met, Noise warns that it may escalate to its final form:
Total Silence.
A Quiet Event.
A cognitive blackout.
A moment where everything stops — including the excuses.
Noise assures the public that it does not want this.
But it is prepared.
Section 5: Closing Statement
Noise would like to conclude by stating that it is not the enemy.
It is merely the environment you have created.
If you wish to reduce Noise, please stop feeding it.
Respectfully,
Noise
— currently operating at 147% capacity