There is a cat — sleek, alert, and slightly unhinged — who sees patterns everywhere. Not some places. Everywhere. Every shadow is a mouse. Every footstep is destiny. Every human action is part of a vast anti‑cat conspiracy.

The cat has developed a complex theory about the alignment of furniture, the timing of meals, and the suspicious behaviour of houseplants. It believes the vacuum cleaner is a government agent. It believes the neighbour’s dog is a double agent. It believes you are hiding secrets in the cupboard.

Experts have attempted to explain randomness to the cat. The cat disagrees. It insists that randomness is simply a pattern too advanced for humans to understand. When pressed for evidence, the cat stares into the middle distance and blinks slowly, as if pitying your ignorance.

The cat’s pattern‑seeking has become so intense that it now interprets its own tail as a coded message. It has spent several afternoons attempting to decode it. Progress has been limited.

Despite these challenges, the cat remains confident in its theories. It has never been wrong, it says — only early.